Isn’t it funny how some things can change so much in a minute? How something small can become colossal and turn our whole world upside down? That is what this pandemic has done; what this coronavirus has done. Now, most of us (and I say most, because aside from some reckless people who are not taking this seriously, and those others risking their own lives to help the majority), have to stay home and wait. Yes, it sounds pretty simple when you put it into perspective, like we shouldn’t complain; but, sometimes, we also have to remember life’s not simple and that also our mental health can suffer, potentially aggravated because of this. So, how’s my life has been since quarantine? Here goes.

On one side, it hasn’t changed much. I mean, I’ve suffered from panic attacks for six years now and I can’t go out unless a family member, a friend, or my fiancée is with me. So, staying home is something I know a thing or two about. On the other hand, my way of socializing and go out have been doing courses, my parents take me and wait for me until I finish to take me back home. Right now, I was set to finish a course in Image Consultancy, in one of the best institutes here in Argentina, when the quarantine came into place. However, we are still moving forward, having our classes through Zoom and doing our tests online, which is good because it gives me a sense of structure and things to do while being inside. Also, on this course I managed to meet some amazing people that I can really call my friends. They help me see the person that I am, and have been nothing but supportive when it comes to my past experiences, their comments about it have brought many smiles to my face. I can’t wait for this thing to be over, so we can have our girls’ night out, with our preplanned outfits and to celebrate finishing our course successfully, but also to continue studying together! This all makes me really grateful that, since last year, I overcame some of my fears and I started doing loads of courses related to the passion of mine that is Fashion. It honestly is something that makes me happy and I want to utilize it to make others a bit happier too.

That said, I’ve also been through a roller coaster of emotions. For example, after years of not understanding and being scared, my head finally clicked and made me realize one very important thing: that ONE person from my past who fucked me over? I’ve never needed her, I don’t need her and I never, ever will need her. All the lies this person has said about me don’t matter. They are her lies, and those who believe her don’t deserve my effort or care. I know who I am. My loved ones know who I am, and I know that I am capable of succeeding by myself and being happy. Those I have around me are with me because they actually love me, and choose to be with me, not out of fear or fascination, but because they like who I am. Flawed and all. Weird and all. They don’t need a character, just me: Verónica. This is definitely one of the BEST things that have come out of this quarantine.

Also, and despite all that, it is sad that I am not able to be with my fiancée in person during this time, but our special secret place has made me incredibly happy! Of course, her support is something I couldn’t go without right now too. She is being a sport and dealing with all my anxiety and fear through these times, and trust me, for someone with panic attacks that are exacerbated by health issues, a pandemic is a nightmare in the flesh. But they have been able to bring me some peace and moments of joy, while also allowing me to be not ok as much as I need, and giving me all the virtual hugs I want. They are something I am grateful every day for having in my life. Just like my family, even if we argue a bit more than usual lately. Hey! Quarantine is hard on every relationship but my family is amazing, and we love each other to bits.

On the negative side of this lockdown, apart from my fears of dying and losing those I love, I have to come to another realization that hit me hard: I am not longer a part of some people’s lives even if I wish I COULD BE. Due to my toxic ex, I’ve lost some people that I really cared about and that, sadly, I will always care about even if they now hate me, or don’t want me close ever again.  Which brings me bad thoughts like: ‘have they ever loved me?’ and so on. I wish I had taken better decisions in coming forward with the truth, and I could still be part of their lives, but also, I wish they didn’t plain ignore or cut me out without at least telling me, at one of the hardest times in my life. I have told people in the past why I had to get away from them, I wished some had done the same, closure is important. Now all I have to do, is learn not to suffer from their absence despite the fact that, knowing myself, I loved them and I’ll always miss them.

Finally, and the worst of all, my cat, the one who has been with me through everything, who I raised from kittenhood, who meowed until someone came to see me when I was having a severe panic attack, the one that slept with me while I hugged him, the one that looked after me, my baby, my son and my happiness, Snapey, Gordini, died the other day. We had found out he had cancer and there was nothing we could do, but I didn’t expect him to go so suddenly. Yes, he died in my arms, listening to how much I loved him and with my tears on top of him, but I can’t express the hole he left in my heart. I wish I could have done more for him. I wish he could be here during this horrible moment to make me feel better, but most of all I just hope he is ok, in heaven. And I hope he knows I love him terribly much, and that I’ll never ever forget him.

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So, life has been tough lately but also has given me some really good things. I am trying to be positive when I can, but as I am writing this, I am really down. I hope things get better. I hope my loved ones are safe. I hope you, reading on the other side, are safe. Lately, I’ve felt the world would be better off without me. I hope you don’t feel the same. This will pass. I don’t know when and how things will be, but it will pass. Thank you for reading this long update/rant. I’ll go back to some other topics on this blog soon.

Xoxo,